Then and Now

Hello again, and welcome back!

I started this blog about five years ago (apparently), and posted a handful of times. I was thinking about starting a new blog this week and decided to just re-use this one. Then I opened it and started reading. And deleted it all. 
Geez.
Thank God I am not the person I was when I posted those things. I was struggling so badly with my health, loneliness, depression (I didn't realize it at the time), fear, self-esteem, selfishness, and legalism. A lot of legalism, based in this Patriarchal, twisted mess I grew up in, and it caused most of the depression and illness. I was so wrapped up in legalism, and it's sad to see that reflected in most of my former posts. I'm so glad I'm free of those chains.

When I started the original Journee Blog, I was a newlywed in a new city, trying to figure out what marriage was supposed to look like, trying to find friends, trying to find me as a person while I shed the skin of all the aforementioned baggage. I didn't even know I had baggage, back then. I thought the family I grew up in was "the normal one." I thought I was failing in my marriage because I couldn't measure up to what I thought was expected of me. I became depressed because I had this mental recording playing over and over in my head of all these things I'd been lead to believe were the truth -Stupid things, like "you should never have to ask your husband to come home early/pick up food/help with the kids, because a GOOD wife manages those things on her own" that I just scratch my head at now. Thank God my husband is not so selfish that he is unable to support me and our kids when we need a pizza and Netflix (and wine, lol) sanity break!

I had expectations of my husband that were wrong, too. The community I grew up in acted like men had no self-control and couldn't take responsibility for their actions. I have a dad and 5 brothers- somebody would've told me if that wasn't true, right? Wrong. It lead to a lot of hurt and mistrust in those early years.

I'm now a mom of two and soon to be three. I live a thousand blessed miles and states away from those newlywed years. I'm happily married in spite of facing a lot of hurdles and changes since those early posts. My marriage has been greatly damaged by the residue of messages I hadn't even realized I'd absorbed, but we're growing and happily waving goodbye to each chain we break.

And that's the short version.
...
-J